Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Blast from the Past

I am in the proccess of taking down my old blog at Live Journal. In doing so, I am sorting thru the old posts - deleting most of them and saving the ones that are important. The important ones will be moved to this blog and posted as "Blast from the Past". For my old readers, it will be old news. For my new readers, perhaps it will help you understand me better....

This is an entry that a posted in February of 2005. It was a summary of what had transpired in my life nearly 2 years earlier - a time of dark despair in my life.

Everyone has a metaphor that they use to describe their viewpoint on life. When I was younger, I thought of life as a roller coaster - full of ups, downs, twist, turns. One moment you were on top of the world, the next plunged downward. But as time has passed, I have come to believe that life is more akin to a serious of roads that intersect at numerous points along the way. As old country song says - "The road you live behind you, is one you'll have to go back down."Over the years, I have come to see the wisdom in the words - "everything happens for a reason".

Two years ago, I was in the middle of the darkest time in my life. I was losing a boyfriend and a best friend. Moreover, I had lost belief in myself. It was a scary place to be. One night in the depths of my despair I asked a friend, why things like this always seemed to happen to me. Instead of profound words of wisdom, she simply offered everything happens for a reason.

Ifelt less than consoled at the time, now I see that she was right.Losing the boyfriend I had back then was hard - but the mistakes that were made in that relationships taught me lessons, lessons about myself, about how to treat others - it prepared me for the relationship I am in now. Even harder than losing the boyfriend was losing the person who had been my best friend for three years. This was the person who had gotten me to expand the boundaries of my comfort zone, to expand my horizons. She had been there to help me grow - however, she had to let go. She couldn't walk me down the path of growth anymore - it was a journey I had to make on my own.

The journey wasn't easy - parts hurt like hell. It is never fun to discover the bad things about yourself, to realize the things you despised in others were really your own faults projected outward. The journey was lonely at times - growth requires a lot of internal processing and thought, looking into the depths of your heart and soul, to places you can't take another human being, and even if you could they still wouldn't understand, after all they aren't you. The journey was long - almost two years in total. Although I am not sure it is complete - or that it every will be.

But two years later, I have a new relationship.* I am dating a wonderful man who cares for me, accepts me, supports me, believes in me. But more importantly, I support him, believe in him, accept him - whole heartedly with out exception. Gone are the days of game playing - no longer do I pose little tests to gage his level of caring. I accept his love at a face value. I have also healed the broken relationships.

Kim and I are friends again. The friendship we share now, isn't the same as the one we had back then. Then again, we aren't the same people we were two years ago. It appears that while I was taking my journey, she too was traveling, learning, growing. We both have come to realize that a true friendship doesn't mean that things are always calm or happy, simply that no matter how hard the waves may toss the ship about, with enough time it will be righted and sail again.

In her journal, K.D. said she has learned that there are friends who are meant to be in your life forever, and others are there for just a short time. I agree with her assessment.

The trick is realizing that you may not know which friends are which, thus you should cherish each moment you have with each friend that you have.And if things start to sour, remember that everything happens for a reasons. Simple words, profound truth.

*That relationship has ended and I have moved on to another. But the lessons learned from this experience made moving on all the easier. I knew there was a reason behind it.