Sunday, February 05, 2006

Stuck in the Twilight Zone

Before I turned 21 I longed for the day when I'd be able to go into a bar without the use of fake i.d. or a well placed $20 bill in the bouncer's hand. It was at this same stage in life that I thought getting the attention of every male in the bar - was a good thing - in my young mind being noticed by drunken men equated to being "hot".

Now, that I am some years removed from 21 (okay, only 2 - but what a pair of years it's been), I realize how naive (read: STUPID) my thought process was. This weekend I went out with college roommate and our favorite "safe guy". After more than a few adult beverages, I was feeling quite relaxed and a bit flirty. By night's end I had garnered the attention of quite a few guys at the bar - and yet, I went home feeling dejected, sad, and ultimately alone. Why you ask? Quite simply, the person's attention who I wanted the most in the world was 12 hours away, sleeping after an exhaustive day of classes and studying.

On Friday night, I once again journeyed to my favorite dive bar - but this time I remained sober - which helped me to realize that what I was thought I wanted, is what I'm grateful not to have. Watching drunken guys hit on drunken girls, made me thankful for the relationship that I've been blessed with. I don't need a man to notice me and tell me I'm hot - after all I have a man who thinks I'm beautiful- even after watching me toss my cookies while deep sea fishing. The experience helped me to see that I'm well past my "college days". However, as I told K.D., I'm not quite in adulthood yet.

I possess none of the trappings that I've come to associate with being a bonafide grownup. My car is a gift my parents, I live with my Aunt, and my career is in its fledgling stages. The only thing that I have to show for the last 6 years of my life's work is a beautifully framed piece of paper and a monthly student loan bill. Alas, I digress.

K.D. and I theorized that our lives sort of exist in limbo, a twilight zone if you will. We are no longer undergrads - and 95% of the time has no desire to be. Then again, we aren't quite grownups, too much of life is still unclear, uncertain. On the long drive back to Savannah, I pondered the weekend’s events and my conversation with K.D. I couldn't help but wonder how much longer I would have to live in this "twilight zone". I hate wishing for the next stage of my life to happen - as it often means I'm missing the joy of the current stage. When my thoughts became too much, I turned on the radio to catch this fleeting lyric Life is not always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

I couldn't help but think that the lyric was fitting for my situation. Living in an uncertain stage is hard, ugly at times, and frustrating. But I know that this is only temporary - and that the journey is worth it all.

Just a few reflections.