Tuesday, May 09, 2006

That Little Voice

If you've ever battled an eating disorder then you're familiar with that tiny voice in your head. The one that quietly whispers "You're're a slob...." over and over again. As your disorder progresses, the whispering becomes shouting drowning out all other sounds. The voice shouts loudly "The only way to be beautiful is to lose weight. You know how to do that. Come one....just one more time". At the zenith of my own personal struggle with an eating disorder, that little voice was the only one I heard.....I followed its orders without question, ignoring the pleas and concerns of friends and family.

And it's that little voice that makes recovering from an eating disorder so hard. I haven't had relapse in almost 5 months - but that voice is ever present. On most days, I don't hear it, it's whispers silenced by other voices - Jamie telling me he thinks I'm beautiful, my parents telling me how wonderful I'm, or my own voice shouting "I'm great just like this". Every now and then, though, it manages to holler above the din "Look at look horrible".

Those are the moments when I'll ask "How do I look?", "Why do you think I'm beautiful?". Please don't think I'm a fragile creature who needs constant reassurance - I'm not. I know I'm beautiful, that my body is perfectly fine at the size and shape that it is. But those words of praise that are offered, are one more weapon in my arsenal - one more way to forever silence that little voice.